'No formula, no timeline': Self-love in the time of grief and loss

MANILA, Philippines — The loss of a loved one is always a painful part of life. Each person deals with grief differently, said grief counselor, psychologist and book author Dr. Philson Manuel.

In a wellness talk that he gave recently at Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium titled "Lingap: Self-care in the time of grief and loss,” he explained that with grief, there is no cookie-cutter approach, no timeline, and it could be complicated and overwhelming. “It is not a linear process, there is no formula. You can’t say that you will cry for 30 minutes and then you will be okay.” 

The hardest parts of grieving are felt during the first week of a loved one's passing away, he said. That's the time reality sinks in with the realization that you can no longer be with that person. The first year is also challenging because of events and milestones that can really make you miss the loved one. Imagine, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and New Year’s Day that you used to celebrate with that person.

Manuel added, “You can’t say, in two months okay na ako. For some clients, it takes five years before they can say they are okay. It will take as long as it takes.”

Manuel quotes Marvel character Vision who said, "‘What is grief, if not love persevering.’ 'Yung pagmamahal mo sa tao andun pa din, your love endures and that is why it hurts. Because wala na 'yung physical presence nu'ng tao.”  

Healing needs self-care, he explained. “You can start with the physical aspect, with simple things like getting out of bed, taking a bath and eating even if you don’t have an appetite. Exercise even if you don’t feel motivated to do it. Small acts of self-care are okay. This is also modelling behavior if you have children, because grief also affects them.”

Mental self-care means giving yourself permission to feel sad, and even to cry. “It is okay to miss a person. Minsan, maaalala mo because you are eating their favorite dish. Even a commercial can remind you of the loved one. That is fine. Give yourself some time and cry if you must. If you are feeling overwhelmed, seek help. Don’t isolate yourself, seek social support and acknowledge your feelings.”

As you move on in your stages of grief,